Polyamorous elders, p.1
Polyamorous Elders, page 1
PRAISE FOR POLYAMOROUS ELDERS: AGING IN OPEN RELATIONSHIPS
“Kathy Labriola’s new book, Polyamorous Elders: Aging in Open Relationships, is well researched, highly engaging, filled with excellent information, and comprehensive. It draws on the author’s extensive experience as a counselor working with polyamorous clients and offers up many accounts of real-life personal challenges related to aging in open relationships. The author’s deep care, respect, and expertise shine through, making this book a substantial support to an ever-growing and underserved population while also giving all readers a rare lens into what well-functioning polyamory looks like.”
—Martha Kauppi, LMFT, CST-S, author of Polyamory: A Clinical Toolkit for Therapists (and Their Clients)
“Kathy Labriola’s book is a must-read for ‘polyamorous “elders,”’ helping professionals serving them, and supportive friends and family members. Through case studies drawn from her decades of counseling experience, Labriola illuminates the challenges that can confront polyamorous seniors. But just as importantly, she demonstrates the unique resiliency of this community and the ways they can rise to the occasion and overcome these challenges. As a researcher, educator, and ‘poly geezer’ myself, I consistently found myself nodding in recognition as Labriola laid out the life experiences of her clients. I know I’ll be sharing it widely!”
—James R. Fleckenstein, relationship researcher, educator, and coach, and author of Love That Works: 38 Awesome Hacks for Amazing Relationships
“In Polyamorous Elders: Aging in Open Relationships, Kathy Labriola gives us an intimate window into the lives of older individuals whose zest for life still burns bright. Whether for love, sex, companionship, or all of the above, older individuals know they have earned the right to choose the path that fits them best and enables them to enjoy levels of satisfaction and bliss that often elude the younger and less experienced. My wish for you, dear reader, is that these personal stories will inspire you to live your life to its very fullest regardless of your age.”
—Veronica Monet, ACS, author, coach, and founder of The Shame Free Zone
“Having enjoyed Kathy Labriola’s previous work, I was delighted to read her latest. She approaches polyamorous relationships with an accessible, thoughtful, and deft sense of compassion and thorough research.”
—Rosie Wilby, author of Is Monogamy Dead? and The Breakup Monologues
“Polyamorous elders are a fast-growing yet underrepresented group of people who hold gems of wisdom that can benefit the rest of us. Aging outside of the nuclear, ‘mononormative’ family template has its challenges but also distinct joys and advantages. No one would be in a better position to provide a uniquely informed window into this territory than Kathy Labriola, a member of the polyamorous community for nearly half a century and a pioneering counselor to folks in nontraditional relationship styles.
In this book, Labriola leaves no stone unturned in describing the lives of those she affectionately calls ‘poly geezers.’ This includes sex, health concerns, time management, legal protection of aging polyamorous families, intersectionality, death and grief, the COVID-19 pandemic, and more. She punctuates the book with engaging and colorful stories of real polyamorous elders—making this an approachable read for scholars and non-scholars alike.”
—Marie Thouin, PhD, dating and relationship coach, Love InSight
“This text is a readable and engaging look into the lives of polyamorous elders. It is suitable for researchers or clinical practitioners hoping to apply the work, but it would also serve well as an entranceway for academics and students investigating sex and aging and looking for more data and overall consideration of polyamorous relationships. A timely topic deserving of more attention.”
—Jeanne Marie Kusina, interim director of The Center for Excellence in Teaching and Learning; Distinguished University Lecturer, The University of Toledo
“As a relational therapist who works with polyamorous clients, I was delighted to read Polyamorous Elders. This book offers a comprehensive and evidence-based guide to better understand the lived experiences of aging polyamorous folks. I believe that after reading Polyamorous Elders, practitioners will be more equipped to facilitate effective individual and relational therapeutic services to polyamorous clients.”
—Carling Mashinter, MSc, registered psychotherapist, Relationship Matters Therapy Centre
“This book is engaging, accessible, expansive, and detailed. Obviously, it helps that the topic is fascinating, but Labriola presents these issues and cases in a straightforward and nonjudgmental fashion. I routinely had my assumptions challenged even though I consider myself open-minded and have studied polyamory and human sexuality for several years. The strengths of this text include the author’s expertise and clinical experience, the broad variety of polyamorous relationships presented, sympathetic attention to their challenges, and the good faith effort to honor intersectionality so as to sufficiently represent as many polyamorous people and relationships as possible.”
—Albert Spencer, communications director, Society for the Advancement of American Philosophy and assistant professor, Department of Philosophy, Portland State University
“This book is one that polyamorous elders will instantly find to hold many recognizable themes, as well as comfort around our shared experiences in those realms. The author has a very accessible, down to earth, and humorous approach to discussing some serious topics, with vignettes that are very relatable.”
—Geri Weitzman, PhD
Polyamorous Elders
Aging in Open Relationships
KATHY LABRIOLA
ROWMAN & LITTLEFIELD
Lanham • Boulder • New York • London
Executive Acquisitions Editor: Mark Kerr
Assistant Acquisitions Editor: Sarah Rinehart
Sales and Marketing Inquiries: textbooks@rowman.com
Credits and acknowledgments for material borrowed from other sources, and reproduced with permission, appear on the appropriate pages within the text.
Published by Rowman & Littlefield
An imprint of The Rowman & Littlefield Publishing Group, Inc.
4501 Forbes Boulevard, Suite 200, Lanham, Maryland 20706
www.rowman.com
86-90 Paul Street, London EC2A 4NE
Copyright © 2023 by The Rowman & Littlefield Publishing Group, Inc.
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any electronic or mechanical means, including information storage and retrieval systems, without written permission from the publisher, except by a reviewer who may quote passages in a review.
British Library Cataloguing in Publication Information Available
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Names: Labriola, Kathy, author.
Title: Polyamorous elders : aging in open relationships / Kathy Labriola.
Description: Lanham, Maryland : Rowman & Littlefield, [2022] | Series: Diverse sexualities, genders, and relationships | Includes bibliographical references and index.
Identifiers: LCCN 2022030215 (print) | LCCN 2022030216 (ebook) | ISBN 9781538169261 (cloth) | ISBN 9781538169278 (paperback) | ISBN 9781538169285 (epub)
Subjects: LCSH: Non-monogamous relationships. | Older people—Social conditions.
Classification: LCC HQ980 .L32 2022 (print) | LCC HQ980 (ebook) | DDC 306.84/23—dc23/eng/20220714
LC record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2022030215
LC ebook record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2022030216
The paper used in this publication meets the minimum requirements of American National Standard for Information Sciences—Permanence of Paper for Printed Library Materials, ANSI/NISO Z39.48-1992.
This book is dedicated to my foremothers: my mother, Patricia Gearwar Labriola Binder, my maternal grandmother, Winifred Dexter Gearwar, my maternal great-grandmother, Ana Matilde O’Keefe Dexter, and my maternal great-great-grandmother, Mary Campbell O’Keefe.
These four strong, courageous women managed to survive against all odds, overcome incredible obstacles, and live long and full lives. Their unlikely survival made it possible for me to be born, and I will be eternally grateful to them.
Brief Contents
Acknowledgments
Introduction
PART 1: WHAT CHALLENGES ARE MOST COMMON FOR POLY GEEZERS?
1 First of All, Sex!
2 Some Poly People Naturally Shift to Monogamy as They Age
3 Poly Geezers and Celibacy
4 The Curious Phenomenon of Successful Older Poly-Mono Couples
5 Elders Trying to Explain Polyamory to Their Adult Kids
6 Older People Who Were “Poly before Polyamory Was Invented”
7 Conflicts over a Partner’s Adult Children and/or Grandchildren
PART II: RETIREMENT AND ITS EFFECTS ON POLYAMOROUS RELATIONSHIPS
8 When One Partner Is Already Retired and Another Partner Eventually Retires
9 When One Partner Retires but One or More Partners Are Still Working
10 Retirement Can Create More Time and Energy for Poly Relationships, and Poly Geezers Are Pretty Good at Time and Energy Management
11 Retirement Can Shine a Spotlight on Incompatibilities
PART III: WHEN POLY ELDERS WANT (OR NEED) TO MOVE INTO SENIOR LIVING FACILITIES
12 Poly Elders Fear Discrimination and Hostility in Senior Housing
13 What Are the Options for Polys in Senior Living?
PART IV: POLY GEEZERS COPING W ITH HEALTH PROBLEMS AND DISABILITIES
14 The Effects of Medical Conditions on Poly Elders and Relationships
15 Caregiving Responsibilities for Elderly Relatives
16 Advantages of Polyamory through Caregiving, Death, and Mourning
17 Twenty-First-Century Pandemics and Poly Elders
18 Poly Mutual Aid
PART V: POLYAMORY AND THE DEVELOPMENTAL TASKS OF AGING
19 What Are the Developmental Tasks for Poly Elders?
20 Poly Geezers Creating a New Life “Postcareer and Postkids”
21 “Life Review” as a Developmental Task for Poly Geezers
22 Poly Elders Accepting the Deaths of Loved Ones, and Their Own Mortality
23 Legal and Financial Issues for Poly Elders
24 A Few Parting Words and Directions for Further Study
Bibliography: Books on Consensual Nonmonogamy, Open Relationships, and Polyamory Compiled by Sonia Song
Reference
About the Author
Contents
Cover
Title
Copyright
Dedication
Brief Contents
Contents
Acknowledgments
Introduction What Is the Prevalence of Polyamory among Elders?
The “Greatest Generation” and the “Baby Boomers”
Intersectionality and Poly Elders
Studies That Attempt to Fill in the Gaps on Information about Poly Elders
Research Methods
The Demographics of Case Studies and Examples Presented of Poly Elders
PART I: WHAT CHALLENGES ARE MOST COMMON FOR POLY GEEZERS? 1 First of All, Sex! The Changing Nature of Sex for Poly Geezers
Case Study #1: Elise
The Challenges of Sex for Poly Geezers
Joshua’s Story
Ginny’s Story
Case Study #2: Danilo
Case Study #3: Anastasia
Jesse’s Story
Case Study #4: Libby
Strategies Developed by Poly Elders to Solve the Sexual Changes of Aging
Case Study #5: Jake and Nora
Case Study #6: Joseph
Case Study #7: Sita
Marilyn’s Story
Case Study #8: Lise
Jana’s Story
Being Poly Can Help Couples Navigate Sexual Problems and Find Delightful Solutions
Case Study #9: Jordan and Lourdes
Case Study #10: Dolly and Jim
2 Some Poly People Naturally Shift to Monogamy as They Age Case Study #1: Mary and Gene
Case Study #2: Vicky and Bart
Case Study #3: Terry and Randy
3 Poly Geezers and Celibacy: Is There a Contradiction? What’s Sex Got to Do with It? Flourishing Poly Relationships, but without the Sex!
Case Study #1: Paul, Stacey, and Daniel
Case Study #2: Francois, Audrey, and Jeannie
Case Study #3: Jerome and Raphael
Case Study #4: LaRonda and Beeandra
4 The Curious Phenomenon of Successful Older Poly-Mono Couples Case Study #1: Rachel, Matt, and Jerry
Case Study #2: Lauren and Kumar
Case Study #3: Ayisha, Betty, and Roger
Case Study #4: Geraldine and Dre
Case Study #5: Sharon, Benny, and Pam
The Unique Benefits of Poly Relationships for Older Monogamous Women
Cautionary Tales on the Challenges of a Mono-Poly Relationship
Case Study #6: Shirley
Case Study # 7: Hazel
A Few Other Older Women’s “Short Takes” on the Benefits of Mono/Poly Relationships
5 Elders Trying to Explain Polyamory to Their Adult Kids Case Study #1: Nancy, Emma, and Carrie
Case Study #2: Jon
6 Older People Who Were “Poly before Polyamory Was Invented” Case Study #1: Harry and Hope
Case Study #2: Linda, Bruce, and Cliff
Case Study #3: Danielle and Valentino
Case Study #4: Frank, Lisa, and Crystal
7 Conflicts over a Partner’s Adult Children and/or Grandchildren Case Study #1: Lucy, Reginald, and Jim
Case Study #2: Betsy, Stella, and Ginger
PART II: RETIREMENT AND ITS EFFECTS ON POLYAMOROUS RELATIONSHIPS 8 When One Partner Is Already Retired and Another Partner Eventually Retires Case Study #1: Warren, Jen, and Aja
Case Study #2: Karen, Benjamin, and Louellen
9 When One Partner Retires but One or More Partners Are Still Working Case Study #1: Joe, Martha, Jerry, and Anita
Case Study #2: Kelly, Bill, Phil, and Sue
10 Retirement Can Create More Time and Energy for Poly Relationships, and Poly Geezers Are Pretty Good at Time and Energy Management Danny’s Story
Poly Geezers Tend to Have Excellent Time and Energy Management Skills
John’s Story
Case Study #1: Blanche
Case Study #2: Tommy, Janet, and Bertha
Are Elders Good at Polyamory or Is Polyamory Good for Elders?
11 Retirement Can Shine a Spotlight on Incompatibilities Ricardo and Maria’s Story
Case Study #1: Joanna, Buddy, Harriet, and Tad
PART III: WHEN POLY ELDERS WANT (OR NEED) TO MOVE INTO SENIOR LIVING FACILITIES 12 Poly Elders Fear Discrimination and Hostility in Senior Housing Case Study #1: Joanne, Jay, and Patsy
Case Study #2: Pierre and Pharell
Case Study #3: Miriam
Stan and Martin’s Story
Case Study #4: Ellen, Jamie, and Evie
13 What Are the Options for Polys in Senior Living? Sex-Positive Senior Housing: Is That an Oxymoron?
Elder Care Professionals’ Perspectives on Poly Elders and Senior Living Facilities
Lessons from the Experience of LGBTQ Elders in Senior Living Facilities
Case Study #1: Russell, Matilda, and Ray
Case Study #2: Evelyn, Lou, and Nikki
Senior Cohousing Communities May Be a Poly-Friendly Senior Housing Option
PART IV: POLY GEEZERS COPING WITH HEALTH PROBLEMS AND DISABILITIES 14 The Effects of Medical Conditions on Poly Elders and Relationships Case Study #1: Rhonda, Josh, and Sarona
Medical Conditions Complicate the Logistics and Romance of Poly Relationships
Katie’s Story
Case Study #2: Rajah, Sabre, Rachel, and Dasan
Tanika and Katherine’s Story
Case Study #3: Miles, Shane, and Art
Paul’s Story
Case Study #4: Jacinda, Maddy, and Millie
15 Caregiving Responsibilities for Elderly Relatives “Younger Elders” with Responsibilities for Elderly Parents
Case Study #1: Wanda and Amelia
Case Study #2: Orit, Aryeh, and Donna Sue
Remi’s Story
No “One Right Answer” to Caring for Elderly Parents
Case Study #3: Keiko, Rich, and Frank
Case Study #4: Robbie
Strategies and Planning for Successful Caregiving
16 Advantages of Polyamory through Caregiving, Death, and Mourning Kate, Gustav, and Phillip’s Story
17 Twenty-First-Century Pandemics and Poly Elders: Lessons from the Age of COVID-19 How Are Poly Elders Coping in the Age of COVID-19?
Case Study #1: Lindsey, Jose, and Maris
The Impact of Isolation and Loneliness on Poly Elders Due to COVID-19
Case Study #2: Myrna
Case Study #3: Mary Jo, Emile, and Hallie
Case Study #4: Joan, Juan, and June
Marlene and Mary’s Story
Case Study #5: Kimberly, Frank, and Iris
Anita’s Story
Case Study #6: Amy Ann, Zekia, and Shelley
Internet Dating in the Midst of a Pandemic
Blythe’s Story
Sumati Sparks’ Pandemic Dating Advice
Case Study #7: Rosalinda, Xavier, and Gemina
Internet Dating May Morph into Dating in Real Life
Case Study #8: Moira, Guillermo, and Lee
